Advice

How to Give Feedback That Doesn't Crush Souls

The bloke in my workshop yesterday looked like I'd just told him his puppy died. All I'd said was "Maybe we could look at how you handled that client call."

That's when it hit me. Twenty-three years running teams across Melbourne, Sydney, and Brisbane, and I'd been doing feedback all wrong. Not completely wrong—I'm not one of those managers who thinks a pat on the back fixes everything. But wrong enough that I'd probably crushed more souls than I care to count.

Here's the thing about feedback that nobody tells you in those fancy management courses: it's not about the sandwich method or the timing or even the words you use. It's about understanding that the person sitting across from you has a mortgage, kids who think they're Superman, and probably woke up this morning wondering if they're actually any good at what they do.

The Problem With Most Feedback

Most feedback is garbage. Pure and simple.

Walk into any office in Australia and you'll hear managers saying things like "You need to be more proactive" or "This needs improvement" or my personal favourite, "Think outside the box." What does that even mean? I've been in business for over two decades and I still don't know what box everyone's talking about.

The real problem isn't that managers are mean-spirited. Most aren't. They're just lazy. Giving good feedback takes work—real work—and most people would rather delegate it to HR or wait until the annual review when they can tick a box and move on.

I learned this the hard way when Sarah, one of my best project coordinators, quit without notice in 2019. Lovely person, brilliant at her job, but apparently I'd been "death by a thousand cuts" with my feedback style. Her words, not mine. She was right, though. I'd been picking at everything instead of focusing on what actually mattered.

What Actually Works (And Why)

The secret to good feedback isn't revolutionary. It's just that most people can't be bothered doing it properly.

First, you need context. Not the fluffy "let's have a chat" context, but real, specific, this-is-exactly-what-happened context. Instead of "Your presentation could use work," try "When you clicked through slides 4-7 without explaining the charts, I noticed three people checking their phones." See the difference? One's an opinion, the other's observable fact.

Second, focus on the impact, not the person. This sounds obvious but it's harder than you think. Your brain wants to say "You're disorganised" when what you mean is "When the client brief wasn't ready by Tuesday, the design team had to work overtime." The first one feels like a character assassination. The second one shows consequences.

Here's where I'll probably lose some of you: I think positive feedback is overrated. Not because recognition doesn't matter—it absolutely does—but because most positive feedback is meaningless fluff. "Great job!" tells someone nothing. "The way you handled that angry customer on Thursday—keeping calm while still pushing back on their unreasonable demands—that's exactly the approach we need more of" actually helps them understand what to repeat.

The Conversation Framework That Actually Works

I've tried every feedback model out there. SBI, COIN, GROW—you name it, I've probably got the workbook gathering dust somewhere. But what actually works is simpler and messier than any of those.

Start with what you observed. Not what you think, not what you assume, but what you actually saw or heard. "In yesterday's team meeting, when James asked about the deadline, you said 'figure it out yourself' and then looked at your laptop." That's observation. "You were rude to James" is interpretation.

Then explore the impact. And here's the crucial bit—don't just talk about business impact. Talk about human impact too. "James looked confused and the rest of the team went quiet. It felt like the conversation shut down." People respond to emotional intelligence, not just business metrics.

Next, and this is where most people stuff it up completely, you actually listen. Not wait-for-your-turn-to-talk listening, but proper listening. Ask questions like "What was going through your mind in that moment?" or "How did that feel from your perspective?" Half the time, there's context you're missing.

I remember giving feedback to a usually reliable team member about missed deadlines. Turns out his mum had been in hospital for three weeks and he'd been too embarrassed to mention it. Made me feel like a right idiot, but also taught me that there's always more to the story.

The Follow-Up Nobody Does

Here's what separates decent managers from great ones: following up properly.

Most people treat feedback like a one-off conversation. They have "the talk," tick the box, and wonder why nothing changes. That's not how humans work. Change takes time, practice, and multiple conversations.

I schedule follow-ups. Actually schedule them. "Let's catch up next Thursday to see how this week went." Not to check up on them like they're children, but to support them through the change. Because changing workplace behaviour is hard, and most people need encouragement along the way.

And here's something I wish I'd learned earlier: sometimes the feedback isn't about them at all. Sometimes it's about you providing better direction, clearer expectations, or more effective communication training. If three different people are struggling with the same thing, maybe the problem isn't them.

What About Remote Teams?

COVID-19 changed everything about workplace communication, but feedback got harder, not easier. You can't read body language through a screen. Well, you can try, but good luck figuring out if someone's nodding because they agree or because their internet connection is lagging.

For remote feedback, I've learned to be even more specific than usual. "When you said 'sounds good' in the chat while I was explaining the new process, I couldn't tell if you actually understood or if you were just being polite." In person, I might have picked up on subtle cues. Online, everything needs to be verbalised.

I also schedule longer conversations. Fifteen minutes for feedback worked fine when someone could pop into my office. Now I book thirty minutes minimum because there's always technical delays, connection issues, or someone's cat walking across their keyboard.

The Stuff Nobody Wants to Hear

Some people just can't take feedback. I've learned this the hard way with a few team members over the years. They take everything personally, get defensive, or worse, agree with everything you say but never actually change anything.

You can't fix this. You can improve your delivery, be more specific, more supportive, more understanding—but some people are just wired to see feedback as criticism. That's on them, not you.

What you can do is document everything. Not in a gotcha way, but in a covering-your-own-backside way. Because when someone who can't handle feedback eventually becomes a performance issue, you'll need evidence that you tried to help them improve.

This might sound harsh, but I've seen too many good managers burn themselves out trying to help people who don't want to be helped. You can lead a horse to water and all that.

Making It Stick

The best feedback conversation in the world means nothing if nothing changes afterwards. And change is bloody hard for most people.

One thing I've started doing is asking people to suggest their own solutions. Instead of "You need to be more organised," I ask "What systems could help you stay on top of these deadlines?" People are more likely to follow through on their own ideas than on your suggestions.

I also celebrate small improvements. Not with fanfare or team emails, but with quiet recognition. "I noticed you've been updating the project tracker consistently this week. That's making a real difference for the team." Simple acknowledgment that change is happening.

The truth is, most people want to improve. They want to do good work and contribute meaningfully. Sometimes they just need someone to show them how, in a way that doesn't make them feel stupid or inadequate.

And sometimes, honestly, they need someone to tell them they're already doing better than they think. Because half the people reading this are probably being too hard on themselves about their feedback skills. You're trying, you're thinking about it, you're reading articles like this one. That already puts you ahead of most managers out there.

The goal isn't perfect feedback. It's human feedback. Honest, specific, supportive, and focused on helping people grow. Everything else is just corporate theatre.

Looking to improve your communication skills? Check out these resources: Professional Development Programs | Workplace Communication Training | Managing Difficult Conversations